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Nostalgia is a Bitch



*Warning, Debbie Downer post. If you're having a good day, don't read this.*



Today I took the time to scroll through my old Twitter feed. I found a lot of memories of a person I fondly remember, someone I wish I was, someone I want to talk to.


Who is that person? Me.


The problem is, I'm a member of a gaming community. We call each other family and get to know each other, but always on the basis of fun. "Don't ruin the fun," is the unsaid stipulation. We're friends, but to what extent? For an overwhelming majority of nerds, (me being a self acclaimed one, calm yourself) we make a vast majority of friends online.


Research says you completely change personalities every five years or so. Ask yourself, do you like who you are? Or would you like to change? I personally could never decide, I liked that I had a strong sense of morals, but I wanted to change my social skills. I liked that I was stubborn and could aim in video games worth a darn, but I wanted to be more well known. In short, I wanted to be myself, and I wanted to be anyone else.


I recently took a half year disappearance from my old online social life. As I was closing the door, I phrased it as "real life is kicking me in the butt. And then I made my getaway to fight my nemesis of six years, medial depression and paranoia. Now, gradually coming back and reading through the old things I wrote, I find myself missing my dedication and belief in the right thing no matter what. I wish I still had the pure spite to write some of the things I used to.



Do you like who you are? Or would you like to change?


When do we lose our childlike innocent kindness? When do we lose the desire to do good? When do we gain the ability to write inspirational quotes, and when do we decide that the opinion of that certain one individual doesn't actually matter to you?



Really, truly ask yourself-


Do you like who you are?


Or would you like to change?



-then dedicate.

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Ever spoken to a gamer old enough to be your Grandfather? I've lived 65 years, and life keeps on being life.

I was drafted into the Army in 1968 and sent to fight in the Mekong Delta of Vietnam. I was 19 then. My squad was 18 men when I got there, and when I left 4 months later there were 4 of us left that I know of.

I've been gaming since two days before dirt was invented , as I always thought of it as a legal high where I could become what I once was and today can no longer do.

One thing 29 years in the Military taught me was the value and the waste of not only equipment but life in general. But in spite of what I went through, you'll always find someone who went through worse and has to decide on a daily basis on whether or not to keep breathing.

I've lost a lot of friends to drugs, suicides and those who just could not come home from Vietnam.

It saddens me to see people who come back from Afghanistan or Iraq and end their lives, but I came so close on several occasions myself. I watched a marriage of 15 1/2 years dissolve but God gave me custody of two wonderful daughters who I raised as a single father in the  Military. I also had one of those daughters die next to me when my 97 Camaro was t boned by a truck going 70 MPH. 29 Years of  the Military could not prepare me for that day, but having once been a Special Forces Medic, I know a dead person when I see one. I even had a dream this was going to happen 3 weeks before it did. For me I was fortunate, because God dragged me into His Kingdom kicking and complaining for many years. All because I didn't want to quit drinking beer. At least that was what I thought. I come to find out He didn't want me to "clean up my act" because that was impossible. He wanted to give me faith in Him. It's not for everyone, and I'm not hear to convert you but I am "dedicating " several points about  life which I know you and others wonder about.

But we have paths that can be followed, choices to be made, and one truism I've found that what bothered me even 30 years ago is gone. Each day is a look at a dirty rug filled with wisdom, and you're the vacuum cleaner. Of course we all have definitions of what wisdom is, but we've become too subjective in the time I've been alive.

Objective truths never fail you because they don't come from mankind who usually always does.

But I can tell you whatever is missing in your life today may be there tomorrow, so give life a chance.

Physically life sucks for me right now, the result of jumping 25 feet out of a burning helicopter with about 80 pounds of kit on me. An enemy Battalion (500-700 North Vietnamese) set up a welcoming committee for 2 Platoons of us. Back then a Platoon was about 36 men so we should have had 72 go in but we were pretty understrength. I need 7 major operations now and I'm fighting a Doctor who thinks it's more important for me to be off pain pills than anything else in the world. But every damn time a  Doctor has cut into me, they usually leave me more messed up than I was before.  All Doctors should be required to have at least a broken leg or someone trying to bash the life out of them to make them more compassionate, but at school they usually learn the opposite. The Veteran's Administration is a broken tool for broken men and women who gave much for this Country. Some places are better than others, but until someone can fire them for incompetence or for patient harassment, the system will remain broken no matter who gets to be the next POTUS.

One thing I'm glad I did after I got out of the Army for awhile, was to retire and travel around the world. Can't do that anymore without an Army and a good   weapon though, at least to the places I traveled.

BTW, my 12 year old who died in the car next to me is now 31 and has her own daughter.  Real life begins for me when I take my last breath. I've got lot's to look forward to, even though I once thought people like me were full of sh_t. Life hurts but death is forever. Whatever you do, decide to live.

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